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Camping Season

August 8, 2019

Camping season is upon us, and I really don’t really know why people love tent camping so much because staying at a campground is a lot like living during a depression. Especially when you’re always concerned about having enough food rations to just stay alive. Also, at the campground bathrooms, the ladies room stalls have a 3-inch-wide gap when you shut the door, even after you lock the door shut. I’m thinking if I can see out and see people washing their hands clearly, then they can certainly see me. What in the world? So awkward. Nightmare material. Then you try to use the shower where the curtain doesn’t properly close. That’s not right either. Who even built these bathrooms? Either someone who couldn’t measure at all, or else it was a very creepy individual. Your reward for using the facilities is icy water from the shower head that’s not a nice spray, it’s more like a sad dripping trickle where there’s no knob to keep it coming out. You have to pull the shower cord down with one hand and keep holding it down to turn on the dribbling icicles, while with your free hand you have to figure out how to open a shampoo bottle and squirt out the right amount on top of your head and apply. By the way, there’s no nice shelf to put the shampoo on, so you keep it next to the drain like a savage person. Basically you just stand there FREEZING while you try to figure the logistics out. I can’t tell if it’s colder to run the frigid water, or is it worse to stand there soaking wet while hypothermia sets in, let go of the water supply cord and use both hands to open the shampoo bottle. Some say seeing your breath while you shower is refreshing, I have a few other choice words for it…and refreshing isn’t one of them. I’ve actually had my long hair freeze into a solid before. Then in the campground they have pot luck dinner night. Nope. Not gonna do it! You have no idea who these people are that you are camping by, and you trust that their food could pass basic health and safety standards when refrigeration there is sketchy or nonexistent? You tell your child not to leave their drinks at parties for fear of someone putting something in them, and yet here you are, eating mystery food made by complete strangers who suddenly want to become your best stalker friend. No thanks. There’s also nothing separating you from these crazy people except a thin tent wall made out of canvas. You’re also basically a sitting fajita in your tent for any bears walking by who smell all the cooked food from everyone’s campfire. Do not sign me up. The only safe camping is maybe with your motorized camper with all the luxuries, and cell service so you can call 911 if the need arises. Good luck this summer, campers! Be safe!

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