I have an idea for a commercial for my insurance company, a spoof on “how not to drive.” I think my hilarious insurance agent should star in it. For arguments sake, let’s just call him “Ed.” (Names have been changed to protect identities, and no animals were hurt in the making of this commercial)
Scene 1: While driving south on the road between the Montrose Golf Course and Rite Aid, when Ed’s light turns green and he’s driving straight through the intersection onto 706 South in front of True Friends Animal Shelter, he encounters a car ignoring the yield and refusing to give up the right of way as he races Ed for the lane and cuts him off. Cue Ed’s expression.
Scene 2: Two cars side by side traveling west on Route 706 past Price Chopper towards the light with one car in the left turn lane and Ed in the lane that is trying to go straight to get to the road between the golf course and Rite Aid. Show Ed’s expression while the car in the turn lane literally swings his car halfway into Ed’s lane right at Ed’s car, forcing Ed off the road because the other driver is making a completely unnecessary wide turn as he forgets there’s a car next to him and uses Ed’s lane to make a simple left at the very wide intersection. Cue Ed’s expression.
Scene 3: Show Ed driving down the road past any local business while a “parking lot racer” attempting to leave the local business is reaching top speeds through the parking lot trying unsuccessfully to get to the road before Ed. The Speedy Gonzalez is going mach 5 because he doesn’t want to stop leaving the parking lot, he just wants to merge into traffic like he’s on route 81. But “leadfoot” realizes there’s a car coming….namely Ed…and as speedy slams on the breaks he can’t get his speeding car fully stopped in time for the stop sign and winds up with his entire front of the car into the road…forcing every car to have to swerve around his front end. Cue Ed’s expression.
Scene 4: A traffic light turns green and only 2 cars make it out of the 15 waiting for the light because the first two cars proceed at an exaggeratedly slow speed through a completely empty intersection because they know they’re going to make it through and they could care less about the cars behind them. Cue Ed’s expression in the third car who now has to sit through another light.
Scene 5: The standoff at the light in Montrose by the Ave on Church Street when both north and southbound lanes want to make a left across each other’s lanes. No, you go. No, you…. Just go. You go!! Ok, thank you, I’ll go. Oh, now you’re going? Cue Ed’s expression during this awkward exchange.
Scene 6: The car in front of Ed wants to make a left but somehow only manages to get his front end into the turn lane, causing him to essentially block both lanes….missing the entire point of having a turn lane. Cue Ed’s expression.
Scene 7: In large parking lots like the mall has, Ed stays carefully stay in the designated driving lanes while other kamikaze cars race at an angle across the whole parking lot trying to beat him. Ed now has to keep an eye on him and the three other cars at three other angles trying to do the same thing. Cue Ed’s expression.
Scene 8: Cue Ed’s expression as he drives in any congested traffic circle. Just film the mayhem, too many scenarios to list. New Jersey has some doozies!
Poor Ed. Be more like Ed.