On the First Day of Christmas

On the First Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree. Well that was awful nice, cool bird and I love pears! The 2nd day, two turtle doves, plus another partridge and pear tree. How cute! Maybe the doves will play with the partridges! The 3rd day, 3 French Hens plus the other gifts again. I’m starting to see a pattern here. He really likes to give me birds. I think he’s losing his mind though because he keeps giving me the old gifts again every day. The 4th Day, 4 calling birds plus all the other gifts yet again. Oh great, more birds. What are calling birds? If they’re going to be calling back and forth to each other all day, it’s going to get pretty annoying in

Snake in the House

So one day, my son accidentally brought a snake into the house. True story. He had a sleepover outside at a friend’s house, and threw his sleeping bag on the floor in the living room. Lauren was probably 5 at the time, and she calmly yelled to me when I was in the other room that there was a snake on the floor. I of course didn’t believe her. I said it was probably just a string or something that looked suspicious, and I didn’t bother to hurry over to see it. I eventually walked into the room and picked up the sleeping bag just in time to see a huge, boa looking sized thick, long black snack slither across my living room like the stuff of nightmares. I don’t know why, but I was a mix of terr

Teachers and Technology

What a difference between school today vs. school back in the “olden” days. I know of schools whose students each receive MacBooks in middle school. Do you know what we had to use to do schoolwork? A piece of paper and a pencil. That was pretty much it. Personal computers were just being invented, and they certainly couldn’t fit on your lap. Usually the pencils we had were dull and snapped easily in the manual crank sharpeners, and they never had a working eraser. The eraser was either black from overuse, hard as a rock like a science experiment gone wrong, or worn down below its metal holder that would leave scrape marks on your paper when you tried to use it. Today, schools also use a smar

Dentist Trip

I completely understand why people are hesitant to go to the dentist. When you’re lying on the rigid recliner with the white hot spotlight in your face and they ask if you floss regularly, you feel compelled to confess your sins because it looks and feels a bit like an interrogation torture room, complete with cutting tools and truth serum gasses. If you’re lucky, you’re only there for a cleaning. Sounds innocent enough. Well it’s not. There’s scraping involved with sharp metal objects into the most sensitive parts of your gums that bleed with barely any prodding. There’s flossing, but it feels more like a violent thrashing into your already abused gumline that is now begging you to just ple

Stomach Bug

Had a fun night the other night…not sure if it was the calamari I had for lunch or the stomach bug that someone accurately referred to on Facebook as a trip over the rainbow bridge to greet their pets in heaven, but it hit me hard. I spent the night in what I can best describe as an upright fetal position, making promises to God to never have calamari again if he could just let me live to see another day. My dog Cooper was legit scared. When my stomach first made a weird, deep gurgling sound before the gates of hades were opened, my dog looked at me like I was Sigourney Weaver in Alien as I googled, “What does a bad reaction to seafood look and sound like?” I was specifically looking for lif

One Trip Shopping Bags

How many shoppers out there play the “can I carry all my grocery bags into the house in only one trip” game? My kids would rather dislocate their shoulders from the weight of the bags before they make more than one trip. Is that a bag hanging off your ear too? I wonder what those people do who push a cart overflowing with groceries while pulling another cart or two also filled beyond capacity? I’d love to see them try to one trip it. I’ve often wondered, who are they actually feeding?! Are they doomsday preppers? Are they cooking for an entire commune? Maybe their church is putting on a benefit and this one person is in charge of all the shopping to feed a massive hoard of people? Do they li

Black Cats

Cats really get a bad rap at Halloween time. One day they’re these fluffy, sweet little companions, but then the next they’re evil black creatures that hang out with wicked witches and their caldrons at Halloween. It has to be a black cat though; you never see a nice orange and white cat trying to look intimidating and menacing near the witch’s lair. I have to call it an orange and white cat because I don’t really know the different cat breeds since they’re all basically the same size. Dogs are easy to tell apart for the most part, between Poodles and Dobermans for example. But when it comes to cats, I just refer to them by color. There are white cats, calico colored cats, tan cats, etc. Tha

My Nephew's Wedding

Best wishes to the bride and groom now that the wedding at the posh Pierre Hotel in NYC is over! I did not wind up bringing my dog there to meet a rich girlfriend because I couldn’t trust him to sit quietly in my purse without desecrating it and getting us kicked out, so I told him I’d put him on Tinder instead and left him home. He’s on his own to find true love now, or marry for money, or whatever floats his boat. Anyways, our adventure started out in the bathroom at our hotel that had way too many mirrors that made us feel bad about our middle-aged selves. It’s scary when you step out of the all glass shower and see yourself at every unflattering angle in a room with almost full-length mi

Computers

Dear very expensive computer and printer of mine: I feel like we have a love hate relationship, mostly hate. There seems to be some trust issues. What did I ever do to you? I provide a roof over your head, electricity, a clean dry environment just like you want, etc. I even shut you off and kill the power to your outlet during a storm so you don’t experience a power surge brown out and short circuit. Nobody wants to see you brown out. That sounds disturbing. What more do you want from me? When I need you the most, you’re not there for me. One minute you’re fine and then next you’ve gone crazy! I’ve tried to get you help but you won’t change. I’ve probably taken you for granted before

Roller Coasters

The first time I noticed I could no longer handle roller coasters was about 12 years ago when I stepped off of a double loop coaster that I went on with my brothers, my sisters, and my son. You know how people purposely make themselves dizzy by bending over, putting their forehead on a bat and spinning around it as fast as they can? When they try to walk straight away from that, somehow they wind up running as hard as their legs will take them at a 90 degree angle exit stage left? I wonder what genius thought of this idea first, by the way, and why? Anyways, that room is spinning, can’t focus your eyes, you’re going to be sick feeling you get when you’re dizzy? That’s how I felt. Basically,

Hotel Pillows

When you first walk into a beautiful hotel room that is such a welcome haven when you’re exhausted, everything looks perfect. Upon further review though, you realize that was a rush to judgement. Hotel pillows look amazing, but they’re not. They have a deflate feature that is activated once your head hits it. A nice, big, fluffy, white cloud looking pillow turns into the thickness of a tissue once you lay your head on it. You can actually hear the air exhale out of it past your head. You mumble to yourself that that’s not going to be good as your head is now somehow lower than the rest of your body. You ALWAYS wake up with neck issues after that. How am I supposed to drive home for hours wit

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