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Dear very expensive computer and printer of mine: I feel like we have a love hate relationship, mostly hate. There seems to be some trust issues. What did I ever do to you? I provide a roof over your head, electricity, a clean dry environment just like you want, etc. I even shut you off and kill the power to your outlet during a storm so you don’t experience a power surge brown out and short circuit. Nobody wants to see you brown out. That sounds disturbing. What more do you want from me? When I need you the most, you’re not there for me. One minute you’re fine and then next you’ve gone crazy! I’ve tried to get you help but you won’t change. I’ve probably taken you for granted before when things were going great and you were actually there for me, is that why you treat me so awful now? The other day I went to print out something very important, but nope! You wouldn’t even turn on! My husband always asks me if I deleted the cookies from the browser history, so I always ask why is my computer even eating cookies? That sounds like that could be the problem. If it already ate them, there’s not much we can do about it now! Why is it on break and eating cookies and not working like it should be? I thought I was supposed to feed my printer some paper instead? I can’t help but notice if I need to print something that I don’t desperately need, you have no problem with it. It’s only when I need something urgent, time sensitive, or vital that you take some sort of passive aggressive stand against me. Can I ask why? It’s like you don’t even care! Do you know how much money I’ve sank into our relationship? I can tell you because I’ve kept all the receipts, and it’s a lot! And for what? Spotty service? It’s like you can sense the gravity of the what needs to be worked on, and that’s when you pitch a fit and refuse to do what you were built to do. It can’t be a coincidence. One excuse I’ve seen on the screen is that you say you’re seeing too many people, so either the internet is down, or epix is down, or both. Do you know how that makes me feel? I’ve been monogamous. It’s not like I’m printing at the library or using my neighbor’s computer or something. Well, all that is going to change because I’ve been seeing my phone, like every day. It can send and receive stuff, google stuff, calculate stuff, and it can even display coupons to the nice cash register lady. In fact, it’s even better than you because it has a flashlight and fits in my pocket. Can you do that? I didn’t think so. My phone doesn’t eat cookies either…I don’t think. I don’t even need you anymore. I’m going to control alt delete you out of my life for the last time. Wipe that smug look off your monitor and pack your expensive bags that I bought, we’re done!

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