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The Beauty of a Hardware Store

Lowes, Home Depot, or even local hardware stores are like catnip to most men, and a lot of times for women too. First, you appreciate the sliding glass door as you enter so you don’t get flu germs touching a door handle, only to be met by a huge blast of hot air in an epic, invisible battle between the outside cold air being pushed out by the man-made forced hot air. Nice touch. I couldn’t breathe for a scary 5 seconds because I wasn’t expecting for it to take my breath away and knock my contacts out of my eyes, but it felt great. After you gain your composure and put your hair back where it belongs, the first thing you see is a sea of big, manly grills. Men know right away this is where they belong; these are their people here. Then there’s expert help in every aisle. They always have tips you never thought of; you weren’t going to ask for help but since the employee insisted, they’re right, you didn’t know that you do need these three products they suggested to make your project successful! You don’t get that in grocery stores. There isn’t a chef in each aisle pointing out what ingredients you need to kick your dish up a notch. They also give you VIP treatment at the hardware store when your item is on the top of the manly sized three-story shelf because they shut down the whole aisle just for you! And they don’t bring out a rickety old ladder like yours where you have to hold the bottom so “Bob the Builder” can climb safely to your product. No, they literally drive up in a ladder limousine with a professional stair master attached to it that gently lifts Bob to the exact location. I want to know where to buy one of those! I’d be driving that around my yard, checking out my roof, putting up Chevy Chase Christmas lights, checking out the tops of my trees, drive over to the neighbors with it and see if he needs help with anything. Probably drive it to Church just because I can, lifting parishioners in the air for fun. Do you know how else you know the store is cool? They have actual birds flying around in there, and everybody is chill about it! Even the pet store doesn’t have random birds flying around, hanging out in aisle 6. The birds know where it’s at! Do you want to shop for lighting fixtures? There’s everything from a subtle night light for your youngest child, to a homing beacon with spotlights to land an airplane in your front yard. I didn’t know I needed that until I saw it. Do you know what you don’t see? Expensive shoes for your kids or fashionable clothes for your teenaged daughter, so the whole shopping experience is just about you and your home improvement needs for a change! Are you in the market for a super heavy, manly appliance? They will either load it for you onto your truck, or deliver right where you want it inside your house! You’re not lifting heavy objects alone anymore with your sketchy, bad back and old hernia just waiting to flare up, they have a whole team to help you! If you have varmints in your basement, there’s even an aisle for that! Do you want to wipe them off of the planet, or do you just want to gently capture them, throw them in your car and release them into the wild a few miles down the road and hope that they scamper away and look back with a heartfelt, touching wave as they appreciate the lengths you’ve gone to re-house them…and not just turn and bite you before they go? You don’t know which way to go, so you hope it’s ok you’re camped out for the day there so you can take your time with your decisions. Actually, you’re sure that’s ok because some guy straight from heaven has parked his BBQ Food Truck out front! Every…man’s….dream. You CAN spend all day here because they provide meat sandwiches without ever leaving the property! It’s one stop shopping at it’s finest! You don’t even have to strain to hear the fast-talking employees at the barely functioning drive through window, you just physically walk up to an aluminum, portable trailer filled with different sandwiches and pick whatever your little heart desires! Utopia exists! The hardware store is also a judgement free zone because they allow you to return everything you just bought because of course all of your measurements were off for your project. How nice is that? You’re not committed to your mistakes like you are with all other aspects of your life! Another cool thing they have are manly carts in the shape of an 18-wheeler flatbed that allows you to haul ridiculously large plywood around the store and to your truck, wiping out all the people in your way who aren’t paying attention. It’s like Disney World for adults. Brilliant marketing! It’s not just a man’s world either, women get swept away in the infinite choices there too, don’t let them kid you! We can push a mean, 15-foot loaded cart too! Happy shopping and good luck with your projects!

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