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Gluten Free

So my doctor recommended a gluten free, anti-inflammatory diet, otherwise known as “there’s nothing for you to eat anymore.” But I thought I should do whatever it takes to feel better; I’ll give it a whirl. Top of the do not eat list: Bread? I’m team Oprah on this one, I LOVE BREAD! Have you ever had the warm bread with butter on it from OIP in Montrose? It’s the definition of manna from heaven. That was a rough break up I had with bread. We both sat down and had a good cry. I gave it the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. You’re amazing bread, find someone else who can appreciate you better. Now I order burgers with no grilled bread. Do you know how pathetic grass-fed burgers look with no bun? They look naked and scared. Why aren’t all burgers grass-fed beef sources anyways? What pastures are they in if not grass? Fields of anti-biotics? I think I’ve seen a field of amoxicillin before. I’ve seen mud fields around here that cows are standing in without a blade of grass to be seen, maybe these are the beef patties that do not qualify as grass-fed. It’s not the farmer’s fault that it has rained profusely every day for over a year straight. They have gluten free “bread,” but it’s an imposter and not really anywhere near the consistency of real, beloved bread. I ordered a $15 gluten free chicken salad sandwich at Madison Square Garden in New York City, sat in my seat at the sold-out game surrounded elbow to elbow with people where I was not on the end of the row to easily excuse myself, and attempted to eat my sad sandwich. Every bite caused the fake bread to disintegrate into a million pieces, resulting in crumbs all over me, the people to the left and right of me, and in the hair of the poor guy in front of me. It tasted as bad as it acted. Do you know what else is on the “do not eat” list? Pasta! Every party in the United States, no matter where you live, has either pizza or pasta as the only meal served. I’m going to starve! The list had other anti-inflammatory foods to avoid, like watermelon! Are you kidding me? How can a childhood favorite now be my enemy? My system is so wimpy I can’t even handle a watermelon, and isn’t it mostly water? Ridiculous. I’ve already given up dairy years ago because I’m lactose intolerant, and coffee because I’m allergic to caffeine, so I’m like a ticking time bomb…just add the wrong food, step back and see what happens! Even my gallbladder was a big baby and threw a fit years ago so bad that the doctor had to remove it because it up and quit over the food I was eating. Of course the biggest culprit as the root of all evil is sugar, my very best friend. We’ve been through Valentine’s together, Easter, Halloween, who am I kidding….every day desserts and food. Sigh. Life is hard. “No sugar” hard. If you’re on a restricted diet for whatever reason, maybe you’ll find a great tasting substitute that won’t hurt you some day. Just know the struggle is real and you’re not alone!

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