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Opening Products

Why is every bottle, box, bag, and envelope impossible to open? I’m middle aged and sometimes it takes all my strength, what am I going to do when I’m really old and frail? We’re like contortionists holding our breath and twisting into a ball trying to harness our inner core strength like a super human, and we still can’t open things. Sometimes it helps to get really mad, which is pretty easy to do when you can’t open something. Those ridiculous aspirin bottles where you have to line up the barely visible arrow with the precision of a scientific expert….if you didn’t have a headache before that you needed the aspirin for, you will after you exert so much pressure to open it that it feels like your head is going to pop off! You try to move the cap just a hair to line up the arrow…nope, too far! Try again, loser! You squint at it under a bright spotlight, with your glasses on, binoculars, magnifying glass, microscope, and you ask the person next to you if it looks lined up or not because there’s no sense in wasting any effort in opening it unless it’s absolutely perfect with zero margin for error. Do they want us to use their product or not!?! If you didn’t want me to open it, don’t sell it! Potato chips aren’t any better, with their adhesive tops glued together with a polymer engineered by NASA. No wonder the chips are so expensive. How about using a cheaper glue that will actually cooperate when I’m hungry? Then you can pass those savings on down to the customer. If you try to pull the bag open by gripping the sides, then it explodes in a violent fury and spews chips straight up in the air and all over the room. That wasn’t embarrassing or anything. Then you come across as looking violent and starving, everybody look out! Most of the time the sides of the bags rip like ten inches down the side so that it’s impossible to roll back up and clip with a chip clip without it going stale in a few hours. Heaven forbid you try to open a cereal box! Again, maybe your cereal could be a lot cheaper if you didn’t seal it with an adhesive so strong that when you attempt to slide your finger under it, it’s an uneven mess and only works on opening ¼ of the top before you accidentally tear it in at least 3 different spots. So now you’re not able to close the top flaps properly because they look like a train wreck. That’s ok, because it matches the interior plastic bag that you destroyed where the cereal actually lives. That’s all ripped down the side too, so there was no way you were getting an air tight close after you botched the opening. Envelopes in the mail are the same way. You think you’ve successfully loosened the glue carefully with your fingers in an attempt to neatly open your letter, only to have it belligerently shred down the side until it looks like a slasher attacked it. It looks so bad that you pray that you didn’t damage the contents of the letter. It’s tough to get through the day anymore when even the products you buy give you a hard time, isn’t it?

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